What if…

I am ashamed to admit that I am a world-class worrier. I tell myself that I’m really just brainstorming for solutions to potential problems when I ask, “What if…?”

But, when I’m brainstorming solutions for so many problems that I can’t sleep, well…let’s be honest: that’s worrying. 

God’s Word is pretty clear about worrying: Don’t. 

He’s pretty clear about why: I am God (and you’re not).

This post is about how I ignored the first, forgot the second, and then found myself laughing in thankful surprise at God’s loving response. 

Last November I signed up for a photography workshop 750 miles from home.  I planned to fly to the workshop in June.  David was to drive out to meet me six days later. We were then going to make a vacation out of the trip home. That was the plan.

I was excited. 

Until May. 

I needed to take a laptop with photo-editing software. Because I edit with Lightroom on a desktop computer, I searched the Internet for help “moving Lightroom to a second computer.” 

That’s when the troublesho – worrying began.

I learned that major problems with such a move are common and that avoiding those problems requires far more technical knowledge than I possess. 

For two weeks I worried. What if I make a mistake and scramble my collection of edited photos across both computers? What if I lose thousands of edited photos? What if I just try harder to learn? What if I just give up and leave the laptop at home? But, what if I really need the laptop to learn something important at the workshop?

While staring at the ceiling late one sleepless night, I realized I had asked the wrong question.  I didn’t need to move anything.  I needed to download software to be able to edit photos and get the edited photos back on my desktop. Could it be that simple? I jumped out of bed, fired up the computer, asked the question differently, and… sure enough! The only complicated aspect of the process was so easy that, with a cheat sheet at the workshop, even I could handle it.

I fell asleep thanking God for answering prayers I hadn’t thought to pray. 

With the technology under control, I started worrying about packing. 

I know… I know!

Packing is never fun for me, but packing for a flight to a six-day photography workshop where temps could range from 45° to 85° and where we’d shoot rain or shine, morning and evening, consumed me for days. What if it is cooler than expected? What if it is more hot and humid? What if it rains for six straight days? What if my shoes don’t keep my feet dry? What if the cabin is cold?  What if I inadvertently pack something the TSA doesn’t allow?  What if my luggage goes to Costa Rica?  

In addition to the usual packing what-ifs, I had to include camera gear and keep the weight under 50 lbs. Every time I weighed the suitcase and removed more clothing, I triggered more what-ifs. What if my scale is off, and I have to leave something at the airport?  What if I really need that jacket? What if I end up needing those hiking boots? 

What if? What if? What if! My resting heart rate was ticking higher every day.

But, it gets better…or worse?

Just days before I was to leave, the airline informed me they had switched to a smaller plane for my connecting flight in Minneapolis, a plane so small that it might not allow carry-on luggage. No one with the airline would assure me that my fully loaded camera bag would count as my one personal item. What if, at the last minute, I am forced to chuck my fragile camera, lenses, and filters into the cargo hold? What if my camera is damaged and useless at the workshop?

What if? 

An hour before I was to leave for the airport hotel, I was practically vibrating with tension. I journaled through tears,  “Lord, why can’t I stop worrying? Why can’t I just relax and have fun?  Help me, please. Don’t let me ruin this whole experience by worrying about everything that can possibly go wrong!”

Thirty minutes later, the airline canceled my flight. 

Wait…

And no airline had flights available to get me to the workshop on time. 

What?! 

I didn’t realize that while I was calculating whether it would be worthwhile to attend only half the workshop, David was calculating how long it would take to drive. “If we leave within the hour and drive all night,” he announced, “we’ll get to the workshop with time to spare for a short nap before your orientation. Let’s get me packed. You can find me a cheap hotel close to the campus while I drive.”

“No! David! Wait… This is crazy! What if…”

“Stop! You love road trips.” He grinned and pulled me in for a hug. “Besides, I don’t want to be home alone all week. Come on! It’ll be fun!”

As we scrambled to pack for a road trip, I started laughing. “All that worry! For nothing! Packing, TSA rules, and carry-on restriction worries – gone. Pretty interesting way to answer my prayer, God. Didn’t see that coming.” 

I imagined God laughing right along with me, “I think she’s starting to get it.” 

My shoulders dropped from around my ears for the first time in weeks, and I threw my hiking boots and the extra jacket into the back seat. 

Two hours into the trip, the what-ifs started all over again. 

I know. Slow learner.

But, I couldn’t find a hotel room, cheap or otherwise, close to campus. A post-Covid throng of vacationers and marathoners had booked every hotel within 50 miles of the school for two weeks. 

“What if we can’t find a hotel close by and you end up being alone all week after all?  What if we can’t find a hotel at all? What if you have to sleep in the car for a week?”

Amazingly, David did not throw up his hands in dismay and turn the car around right then and there. Instead he said, “You are always thinking about the bad what-ifs. What if your cabin mate has to cancel at the last minute, and there’s room for me after all? Think about that.”

Thank You, Lord, for not abandoning me to my worry and my what-ifs. Thank You for sometimes stepping in and taking over. Thank You for sometimes working through a husband whose lack of concern for details usually drives me crazy. Thank You for Your patience and his.

I quit with the what-ifs, and we settled in to drive through the night. We watched the sun rise over Wisconsin, stopped long enough for breakfast in a little mom and pop fragrant with coffee and bacon, and reached the ferry to the island campus exactly 13 hours after we left home.

When we told the registrar our story, she said, “Wow! Lucky for you we had a cancellation earlier this week. Your roommate hasn’t arrived yet, so I can just send her to the canceled room when she gets here. Your husband can stay with you. And, he can buy a meal plan and join you for meals. He’s not the only spouse along for the week.” 

I smiled through tired tears. Lucky? I don’t think so. This was a big, beautiful present wrapped up with a bow – from God. And I didn’t deserve a bit of it. 

I usually try to share the wonder of gifts I find in nature, but today I am trying to capture the wonder of God’s loving and surprising response to my anxiety over this trip. In spite of the fact that I stubbornly chose to worry, stubbornly chose not to be still or trust Him, God was gracious and compassionate. How can I not share?

Oh! And my worries and what-ifs about the workshop itself? Every single one of them – unfounded. Location? Staff? Instructors? Other students? Food? All wonderful.  But, that is the stuff of another post. 

Meanwhile, may we all be blessed to count God’s unexpected gifts in our yesterdays and to anticipate even more in our tomorrows.

Then Jesus said to his disciples: “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear.  Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?”  Luke 12: 22, 25-26 (NIV)

He says, “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations;  I will be exalted in the earth.” Psalm 46:10 (NIV)

The LORD is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love. Psalm 145:8 (NIV)

Sing to him, sing praise to him; tell of all his wonderful acts.  Psalm 105:2 (NIV)